Ronie Dinosaur

The absence of Shiva- the ghost of him- weighs heavier than Shiva ever did in his own body. He kept watching, acting dead, Read more from here...

This is something beyond mere bad intentions-people with very little ability have those, not me. The reason I don’t have a girlfriend until today is because I’m too horny. I have a lot of lust, and it isn’t an issue of intent; it’s part of my character that I feel it in excess. It steals the show, taking the spotlight away from moving step by step toward mutual understanding and affection. I end up giving the wrong message by mistake. And my low emotional intelligence makes it seem like lust is the only way I know how to approach a girl. I don’t live by the clock. Sometimes I sleep at eight and wake up at midnight in the middle of winter, and I have no desire to sleep again. That’s normal for me. From my study years to my athletic days to the period of alcoholism, I never cared about a watch. For me, dark is light and light is dark; neither is special. I’m lonely during the day just as much as I am at night. That “love at first sight”-I never saw the girl beyond her eyes, let alone anything below the belt. I was afraid that even looking at her would make her dirty. With the girl in college, I restrained myself whenever she became affectionate because I was scared she would misunderstand me. Maybe that’s why I could never say what I actually felt, and I lost her-and many others later. When I say nobody ever wanted me, I mean I wasn’t good-looking enough for anyone to choose me on that basis alone. A man desires women. That is biological and natural. It is not a flaw in my character, but I treated it as one. In India, women portray themselves as devas-untouched by desire-yet the same woman at night expects a man to ravage her. At my age, I didn’t know the second half of that psychology. I only knew the devi part. If I told a girl that I desired her, it would weaken my claim of being with her. Besides, I don’t think the two girls who tried to hit on me did it successfully, because they only tried to touch me-by accident or by intent, sometimes even forcefully. The only real solution is following my own decisions and desires instead of being manipulated by someone else’s. My questions were unclear; I wasn’t asking the right things. I was beating around the bush, trying to act naïve the way they did. No matter how affectionate I am inside, I have no problem calling myself a randa, a man of lust. I’m stating facts and looking for answers. I don’t chase. One negative reply and you’ll never see my face again. And those girls must have thought at some point over tea: “This motherfucker didn’t persist or insist. We might have even said okay.” Read more from here...

When two lines rhyme, the reader glimpses inside- with the light of awareness and the weight of psychology, finding meaning in the wonder of philosophy. My consciousness observes, silent and exact. And in that act, I remain original, steadfast in character. Read more from here...

What if I stood before her one day, and she asked through her eyes, what happened to you? How would I face her? I am not what I used to be. I am a nobody without use, Read more from here...

She took something from me at first sight- a thing she never gave. I dreamed of spells, Bengali babas murmuring totkas over guttering oil lamps, of coaxing the vanished fragment home or at least lulling its ghost to silence. Read more from here...

Only this can be done- so this will be done. Even if victory slips away, it will still be done. Fear demands a steeper price than failure ever could. Read more from here...

At thirty, my bank balance rivaled that of overseas engineering graduates-yet I hadn’t spent a single rupee to start or run my business. I built it from home through relentless work, without a degree, without guidance, and without stepping outside for seven straight years. I pushed through thirty-six-hour stretches, collapsed for eight, and repeated the cycle. My family devoured every rupee. They would have done the same even if I’d held the degree they worshipped. To them, I was nothing more than a racehorse they had wagered on. At twenty-three they had already written me off-declared me dead, not for failing as a human being but for failing to be profitable. In the following seven years I earned their counterfeit respect, and it vanished the moment my earnings slowed. Whatever capital I needed to grow, they consumed as if entitled to it. Then my mother died. For fifteen years-from the day my sister eloped to the day my father had his heart attack-I stood by them without expectation. Even so, I was abandoned to ruin. No one asked how I was, and no one tried to mend what they had broken. Then came the darker days. A whore with her finger in her nose and a dick in her ass-lost in her own chaos-tried to preach philosophy to me while my world collapsed. The bodybuilder I once was withered under alcohol until I landed in rehab. At home, the Surpanakhas and Vibhishanas of my extended family lectured my father about their lofty moral standards, staging their righteousness while I drowned in silence. Since I could not control anyone, I claimed the only kingdom left to me: my body and my mind. Read more from here...

Let’s think along with the whole world: What if one day your bank balance becomes equal to mine- which is nil? What if greed loses its influence on your mind, and your intent grows still? Perhaps then you would remember me. Read more from here...

Better than a life spanning a hundred years are the days of love-so long as you know it is love. What if I became a philosopher and knew everything? What if I gained the life I never had-still nothing. What if I fucked a thousand women-still nothing. But if I had the life I wanted, while knowing what I already had? Read more from here...

Since I can’t control anyone else, I rule the only kingdom I can - my own body and mind. In rehab, I lived on four hundred grams a day - flour, oats, carbohydrates, nothing else - Read more from here...